I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
