he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
