I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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