girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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