Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
