Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize