Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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