Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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