I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize