No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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