I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize