Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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