There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
