i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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