youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
