Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
