I'd wear matching sweaters with you
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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