It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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