I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
whose parrot is this?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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