i just had sex bonerless
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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