I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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