i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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