why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
