I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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