can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
