So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
