she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
