You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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