I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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