He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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