My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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