I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
