Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
