last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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