just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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