It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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