hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
