I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
