this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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