His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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