This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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