somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
