There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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