I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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