I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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