New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
