I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
