just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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