I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
