last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
