I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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