My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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