either way he was missing a nipple.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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