i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
