You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
