My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
